Becoming Reacquainted With Myself
I have been thinking about life a lot lately. My life, loss of life, the purpose of life, the afterlife. I have had a near death experience, but until recently I had been spending all of this time thinking about death rather than life. It was the events in Orlando's Pulse Nightclub that triggered thoughts about life for me, and every act of violence since has only made me more aware of the degraded state of our world. In thinking about life, I find myself understanding more about the world around me and other people's imagination. I now better understand how different styles of art and music came to be, how to experience and savor different emotions, and how to be the person I want to be in this world. Patrick Wolf's song "Accident and Emergency" reminds me very much of what I have been going through as a person and has become an anthem for this reason. The most beautiful part of this is how much like a child Patrick Wolf is, which is precisely what I intend to share today: how I have been rediscovering the child that still lives in me.
It started one day when I was washing my hands at home. I believe it was around the time that Philando Castile was killed. There were so many other killings that happened around that time. On this specific evening I was very heavy of heart. I remember the revelation of how prevalent violence is and considered what would lead people to become so cruel to each other. I thought of all of the children that have been killed and how much psychological damage we will do to their generation if this continues. I then looked up into the mirror and looked at the heaviness in my eyes. I looked at how I have aged. Then, I tried to picture myself younger. I went back as far as I could and put the soft features over my face until all that remained was my eyes. I then looked this child version of me in the eyes, and saw the confusion and sorrow that had found its way deep down in the most pure version of myself. I hugged the child and spoke to him, telling him it would be okay. I told him we would fix it and make the world better. I promised that we would go back in our own life and find all of the hurt so that we could be the best version of ourselves possible, the version of us he dreamed I would be.
I have been discovering that as a child I started habits to protect myself. I leaned away from people when I spoke with them so that nobody would get too close and see the real me. I kept my hands in my pockets because I was afraid to express the real me. Small actions, simple gestures, all indicating layers of learned responses to the world and people around me. By breaking the habits, I can undo my own pain.
Part of me believes that we are all meant to have such experiences. I think many of us do, but I don't believe we all have the opportunity until much later in our lives. I used to know that something wasn't right, but I thought there was something wrong with me when it's actually something wrong with the world I was living in. Because of this, I often feel old for my age. Days are now longer and things that used to make me angry are now hysterically simple minded. I love it though, because I know I can find confidence by blending together the purity of my youth and the wisdom of my painful growth. I wish this kind of freedom for everyone.
As a parting gift, here is the video for Patrick Wolf's "Accident and Emergency." I also recommend watching Katy Perry's video for "Wide Awake" as it documents a similar journey. Enjoy.
It started one day when I was washing my hands at home. I believe it was around the time that Philando Castile was killed. There were so many other killings that happened around that time. On this specific evening I was very heavy of heart. I remember the revelation of how prevalent violence is and considered what would lead people to become so cruel to each other. I thought of all of the children that have been killed and how much psychological damage we will do to their generation if this continues. I then looked up into the mirror and looked at the heaviness in my eyes. I looked at how I have aged. Then, I tried to picture myself younger. I went back as far as I could and put the soft features over my face until all that remained was my eyes. I then looked this child version of me in the eyes, and saw the confusion and sorrow that had found its way deep down in the most pure version of myself. I hugged the child and spoke to him, telling him it would be okay. I told him we would fix it and make the world better. I promised that we would go back in our own life and find all of the hurt so that we could be the best version of ourselves possible, the version of us he dreamed I would be.
I have been discovering that as a child I started habits to protect myself. I leaned away from people when I spoke with them so that nobody would get too close and see the real me. I kept my hands in my pockets because I was afraid to express the real me. Small actions, simple gestures, all indicating layers of learned responses to the world and people around me. By breaking the habits, I can undo my own pain.
Part of me believes that we are all meant to have such experiences. I think many of us do, but I don't believe we all have the opportunity until much later in our lives. I used to know that something wasn't right, but I thought there was something wrong with me when it's actually something wrong with the world I was living in. Because of this, I often feel old for my age. Days are now longer and things that used to make me angry are now hysterically simple minded. I love it though, because I know I can find confidence by blending together the purity of my youth and the wisdom of my painful growth. I wish this kind of freedom for everyone.
As a parting gift, here is the video for Patrick Wolf's "Accident and Emergency." I also recommend watching Katy Perry's video for "Wide Awake" as it documents a similar journey. Enjoy.
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